mental diarrhea

my friend mark. he loves him some penis! oh yes he do. one time his momma said "boy, do you love the penis?" he says "oh yes ma'am!"...so she hit him with a dildo. a really big dildo. a really big black dildo. 3 foot long this dildo was. went by the name calculus entebbe. he was a smart dildo. he could do basic math. his momma left him in a hole and made him read the bible.ok. I think Im done, man.yeah. thuh ende. kay..mark says hi.so does calculus. they hang out at waffle house and smoke cigarettes and drink coffee on thursday nights when the moon is half full..but they only use 1% milk because calculus thinks he has a weight problem. sometimes mark lets him drive the truck into town for groceries. calculus never minds taking turns at doing the dishes. calcuslus' little brother hangs out in the tooth brush rack to scare people.calculus' little brother hides out at marks house 'cause he killed a man with a telephone reciever, just to watch him die. and because he did not like his face.

One day I answered the phone and on the other line was a man named Jesus, who was selling penis enlargement pumps. He proceeded to tell me how he was small and flaccid and his girlfriend had left him on the cross to die and bullies had kicked sand in his face and laughed at him alot. He found out about this product and increased his manhood and proceeded to whup bully ass and win his bitch back. They went back to her house and shook the van for 40 days and 40 nights before he had a epiphany and dumped her ass like third period french. He then moved into a trailer with with a goth girl named darkness, who had a face like a tackle box and breath to match. I told him that I did not need the product as I dont use my penis for much more than a hat rack and that he was messed up in the face..he then thanked me for my time and typed my phone number into google and got my address and then came over to my house and stole my hubcaps and weeded my garden..and sodomized my pet rabbit, binky. blood and rabbit pellets were everywhere. it was not pretty.

God damn, I'm bored. or insane.
and before you say shit, yes I know the sentence structure, etc. in the paragraphs are so fucking wrong my english teachers would commit suicide. Don't be such a fucking english nazi and go get a life. Trust me, I know what I'm doing.

Wee...way too much to drink last night. Between 3 people we drank 3 cases of Miller Light. This total was counted after the fact that my girlfriend (one of the 3) went to sleep early and Chris and I stayed up till 5:30 AM..time seems to stand still when you're really drunk, I've noticed. Woke up this morning not really feeling what you'd call..refreshed. Did I say morning? I meant afternoon. 1:30 PM to be exact. I got up, had a smoke and a shower..had some breakfast consisting of chicken that Leslie made 3 days ago that I had been too busy drinking to eat. Then I get to make my way off to work..WEEEE! fun stuff..I sit on my ass all day and answer the phone and talk to people who need help with their internet connection issues. Hell of a alot better than some of the past jobs I've had in retail, fast food, warehousing, etc.. As a bonus there's alot of really cool fucking people here. There's Mark, who has a hard-on for Boba Fett, Timmy, crazy computer guy with mad computer skillz (as they said back in the day), Dylan, who I think may be insane because he's cool and calm about damned near everything..plus we have the same birthday. There's also a ton of other characters that it would take too long to mention. They know who they are.
Yesterday, my mom proved to me that I am not adopted. I totally get my fucked up sense of humor from her. Yesterday was a couple of things. First and foremost, my Grandmothers 79th birthday..Love ya, Grandma! second and very last, it would have been my 8th wedding anniversary. So yesterday I'm at work and I miss a call from my Mom. She leaves a message so I know she has something to tell me. My sister has been making an ass of herself lately and thinking it has something to do with her, I kind of ease into listening to the voicemail on my 10 minute break. Expecting to hear a story about about my crazy ass lil' sis, I get my Mom wishing my a Happy Anniversary and laughing her ass off. My mom RULES!